We figured with our first Bad Movie Friday, what better place to start with than a horror flick, and one that is widely regarded as the worst movie ever made. It's not the worst movie we've ever seen, mainly because it's so bad that it's fun as hell to watch, but it definitely deserves to be on the short list of "Worst Ever" consideration.
We're going to break down the plot with the help of pics and videos, mainly because they can actually convey the utter insanity of what went on in the movie better than words in some cases. Keep in mind that Troll 2 has a crazy big cult following out there, and is beloved by many. We'll talk about that later.
Let's start here: Troll 2 has no Trolls in it.
The movie opens with a Grandfather reading a shitty story to his whiny little grandson. The story is about a gang of Vegan Goblins (not trolls), who make you eat this vegan vomit stuff, which turns you into the same vegan vomit stuff, so the vegan goblins can eat you. Cant they just eat plants? Seems overly complicated to me... Also, what a horrible bedtime story to tell your Grandson.
Also, Grandpa is a ghost.
Gay Peter Pan drinks a bowl of vomit and then sweats green Kool-Aid. Then, he gets eaten by the goblins.
Little Joshua (the Grandson) and his family are planning a trip to some shitty little town called Nilbog for summer vacation. Nilbog. Yes, that's Goblin spelled backwards. (I guess it sounds better that Llort, Which is Troll spelled backwards.) His hot sister Holly is all upset about the pending trip, because her boyfriend wants to hang with his friends more than he wants to go worth her. A sweat induced workout montage ensues, followed by one of the best bad movie lines ever.
"Are you trying to turn me into a homo?" By hitting you in the nuts? If getting hit in the nuts made you gay, I'd be a cross between Liberace and Rip Taylor by now. (I've taken a lot of nut shots.)
On the road to Nilbog, the Goblin-Trolls reveal themselves in dream form... and they look like angry puppets?
Once in Nilbog, Joshua's ghost pappy freezes time and tells his grandson not to let them eat. If they eat in Nilbog, they will turn into Troblin (Troll + Goblin) food. So Joshua decides to piss on everyone's dinner. Seriously.
The butter on that corn looks like toothpaste. Also, that little dinner-pisser would have caught an ass whipping.
After pissing on dinner, Joshua is taken to his room by his Dad. The kid is laying on the bed and says "What are you going to do to me Daddy?" at which point the dad starts undoing his belt, and I was like "Oh come on man, you can't do that to your..." When I realized that the scene wasn't as creepy dirty as I had made it out to be, I laughed. This scene contains what might be the most popular line of the movie. *Video below.
Away from the action of the dimwit family, a Winnebago full of Holly's boyfriend and some other lame 80's dudes have followed the family on vacation. One of them, Arnold, goes for a hike in the woods. He sees some chick running away from him in terror, so he follows her, tackles her, and lays on top of her. You're figuring a rape is on the way, right? Wrong! The Troblins show up, stab Arnold with a spear, and the two of them run and hide in an old church.
In the church they meet this bitch: Creedence Lenore Gielgud.That may be the worst character name ever, especially for someone who is supposed to be creepy.
"Oh my Gooooooooooooooood!" *Video below. It's the long version of the scene, FYI.
While Arnold is screaming for God with a fly on his head, we return to the family to find Holly doing one of the worst interpretive dance routines of all time. My original Tweet while watching this scene was "WTF is she Flashdancing? For her life?" Below We've included a clip of the scene, which someone made into a Mentos' parody. Whomever made this clip gets my undying respect for life. It's flippin' brilliant. Cheers to you, good sir!
Dead Pappy Gene interrupts her shitty one person dance-off, prompting her dad to run into the room and try to fight the mirror. Everyone leaves save for Joshua, and they talk some more.
We then switch to two naked surfer dudes "taking a nap" together. One of them wakes up, hungry from a long, hard "nap", and heads into town for some food.
In the general store, surfer boy meets this old coot. Here's a funny note about this guy: The actor who played him said that at the time, he was high and mentally unstable, and really wanted to hurt people during his scenes. Regarding the kid who plays Joshua, I believe his actual words were "I hated that little fucker., and I wanted to stab him with that spoon" or something close to that. True story. Creepy.
Elsewhere, Arnold is now turning into a potted plant.
Then the Brawny Man shows up.
Of course everyone in Nilbog is a Trolloblin, and wants to eat the moronic newcomers. CreedenceClearwater whatever-her-name-was even turns herself into a hot chick, and tries to seduce the last surfer frat boy with a corn cob. Go ahead and watch the video below, and realize that what you're seeing is actually happening. On a side note, if I'm laying in bed and a hot chick who is trying to seduce me whips out a corn cob, I'm assuming it;s for someones B-hole. FYI: Not my B-hole.
Back at the house, the family decides to hold a seance to try and contact Pappy Gene. Hot little Holly asks "But how do we get him to come?" Oh, you know how honey. You know how.
It's finally little Joshua who figures out how to stop the evil, vegan Trobgoblins. Know how he does it? With a double-decker bologna sandwich... A bologna sandwich is all it takes to defeat a Goblin?
Fin.
If we've learned anything from Troll 2, it's that Bologna + The Power of Goodness = Lightning Strike.
Of course there's much more to the movie that we didn't cover, mainly because this post is already half a page long, but you get the gist. It's an awful, insanely bad movie with some of the worst writing and acting ever witnessed by human eyes (and ears.)
So bad is Troll 2, and at the same time so beloved by so many fans the world over, that the kid who played Joshua grew up and made a Documentary about the movie and its fans called Best Worst Movie. You really should watch it, because it's great stuff.
Troll 2 is a movie that should be painful to endure, and it truly would be, but it was so fun that the pain becomes a badge of honor rather than one of shame.
