10 Horror Eyes for February!
You know the drill...
Victim? Eyes (Sutures) 
Babydoll Eyes (Sucker Punch) 
Gangster Vamp Eye (Dead Cert) 
She Likes it Rough Eyes (A Serbian Film) 
Gone Horribly Wrong Eyes (The Experiment) 
A Vengeful Eye (I Spit on Your Grave) 
Hell's Fugitive Eyes (Drive Angry 3D) 
Wurdulak Eyes (Black Sabbath) 
Traumatized Eye (Hora) 
Killer's Spawn Eye (My Soul to Take) 
I Spit on Your Grave (2011)
I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE
Sub-Genre- Revenge
DVD PREMIERE- Feb 8th, 2011
Cast Members of Note- Sarah Butler, Jeff Branson, Andrew Howard, Daniel Franzese and Chad Lindberg.
What's it About?- Jennifer is a sexy little writer who decides to rent a cabin in the woods to work on her newest book... right there you know she's destined to get raped, killed and/or terrorized in some way, right? It's so obvious. Hot chicks can not go into any back woods locale alone, and hope to find any sort of comfort or solace. I think that's a law in most states. Especially in the South.
Anywho, after spilling water on the rube at the gas n' go, and making out with the town retard, Jennifer decides to drink a few bottles of wine, smoke some marijuana cigarettes, and walk around her cabin half naked. With all of those elements aligned, it takes about 4 seconds for jethro and his dim wit crew of yokels to show up, and put a good rapin' on the city whore's ass.
Left for dead, Jennifer gets herself cleaned up, builds some crazy traps, and sets off on a mission to make the rape gang from petticoat junction wish they taint never done seen her pretty city titties... It really is your standard rape revenge story, but I feel it appropriate to say that Jennifer doesn't play around, and she gets quite nastay in here revenge tactics. This is exactly why I don't rape people. Well, that and I'm not to that level of creepy.
The Good- Well made and superbly acted by everyone involved, ISOYG 2010 is a nasty, unflinching little remake that should please most jaded horror fans. If you've seen the original, then not much here will come as a surprise to you other than the fact that the remake is a far better film than it's 1978 namesake.
Rape/revenge movies are an acquired taste. They're usually stark and brutal, and on most levels, they're profoundly disturbing. Sure, the revenge aspect of things seems to make it all right in the end, but the slow and brutal build up that comes before is a tough thing to sit through for most folk. There's a reason that these movies were big in the 70's for a while and then disappeared for the most part... there's not a lot of fun involved for the audience.
That being said, these types of movies do have a strong and necessary message in them that begs to be heard, and it's basically "do unto others..." Sadly, in real life, these types of crimes go mostly unpunished for the most part, if they're even reported in the first place, and therein lies the beauty of a movie like this... the sick fucks of the world whom prey upon the innocent and chaste get what they deserve and more, even if it's only on film. It's almost like our own personal revenge, and damn if it doesn't feel good to see, even if it's incredibly tough to watch.
Sarah Butler will make you like her, feel for her, feel her pain, and cheer her on through all of the unspeakable acts she partakes in, because she deserves her revenge. She's also a cutie, which never hurts. Conversely, the villains of the film will make you seethe with anger, and especially Johnny and The Sheriff; they're played to evil perfection by Jeff Branson and Andrew Howard. You will hate them. I'm talking an extra special hate. The bottom line is that the cast did their jobs admirably, and pulled exactly what they were supposed to out of us.
The Bad- One criticism I have of this flick is this: how does a sweet, innocent type like Jennifer turn into a viscous, death dealing angel of no-mercy so quickly? I get it, but I mean she concocts some pretty elaborate "traps" if you will, and dishes out some really rough, slow torture to her victims. It felt a tiny bit odd to me. It really is a small issue, as the movie worked well overall, but I felt it worth a mention.
The Downright Horrendous- When are city folk going to learn that you do not head off for an idyllic weekend in the country, unless you're armed for bear and willing to kill? You're just asking for trouble if you think otherwise.
The Gory- Rape, torture, rape, anal shotgun violence, rape, eye torture, rape, hedge clipper to the groin, rape, face melting and rape. There's so much rape in this movie, that even one of the bad guys get raped... albeit by a shotgun, but it still counts. This is a visually tough one to sit through, and will most likely make you flinch and squirm throughout.
The Naked- We do get to see the nice little body of Sarah Butler in various stages of undress, but considering the subject matter, it's not very enjoyable. She's very nice too look at before the nastiness starts though.
What did we learn?- If you're going to rape someone, you should really be prepared to have your dick cut off. I mean, you pretty much have it coming.
The Master Says- A As remakes go, this one managed to improve on the original in most ways, and add enough flair of its own to make it more than just a simple retelling. You have to like the whole rape revenge/female empowerment sub-genre to truly appreciate this one, because its a tough watch, but don't discount it as simple or no more than exploitative. This flick delivers the uncomfortable, messy goods.Final Thoughts- Sarah Butler is destined to be a genre great, if she's so inclined. First though, she's intent on finishing this puzzle...
January in Review
So what exactly did the first month of the new year give to we, the horror faithful?
Well, Theatrically we got a Nicholas Cage clunker about some knights and a witch, with Season of the Witch. Not a great way to start the year off. We also got a pretty good possession flick in The Rite, though it had some issues and could have been perfect had they gone a different way with it.
The annual After Dark Horror Festival only went theatrical in 10 theaters this year, so it looks like most will have to wait for DVD if they want to catch them. That's probably not the worst decision that After Dark has ever made...
On the DVD front, we got a mixed bag...
We got some good ones- The Last Exorcism *, Machete *, Pirhanha 3-D *, Buried *
Some average ones-Bitter Feast, Case 39 *, Dark Skies: The Complete Series, Death Race 2, The Traveler *
And some just plain bad ones- Saw 3D: The Final Chapter **, Let Me Die Quietly, The Shadows, Wolvesbayne, Halloween Night, Psychosis.
So overall, it looks like a slow, uneventful month for the most part. February already looks more promising, so let's keep our fingers crossed, shall we?
January was a C, at best.
Well, Theatrically we got a Nicholas Cage clunker about some knights and a witch, with Season of the Witch. Not a great way to start the year off. We also got a pretty good possession flick in The Rite, though it had some issues and could have been perfect had they gone a different way with it.
The annual After Dark Horror Festival only went theatrical in 10 theaters this year, so it looks like most will have to wait for DVD if they want to catch them. That's probably not the worst decision that After Dark has ever made...
On the DVD front, we got a mixed bag...
We got some good ones- The Last Exorcism *, Machete *, Pirhanha 3-D *, Buried *
Some average ones-Bitter Feast, Case 39 *, Dark Skies: The Complete Series, Death Race 2, The Traveler *
And some just plain bad ones- Saw 3D: The Final Chapter **, Let Me Die Quietly, The Shadows, Wolvesbayne, Halloween Night, Psychosis.
So overall, it looks like a slow, uneventful month for the most part. February already looks more promising, so let's keep our fingers crossed, shall we?
January was a C, at best.
Deadly Shark Attack
A 19-year-old surfer who died after getting bitten by a shark today off the Santa Barbara coast likely was attacked by the feared great white shark, an expert told AOL News.
Lucas Ransom, a junior at the University of California, Santa Barbara, was attacked shortly before 9 a.m. PDT. Three beaches in Santa Barbara County were closed immediately after the attack. KEYT-TV reported that the shark bit off the surfer's leg and he bled to death.
The great white "is the likely culprit," said Steve Blair, assistant curator of the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach, Calif., and a shark expert. "There is really nothing else I could think of in a normal course of events who would do this except a great white."
Lucas Ransom, a junior at the University of California, Santa Barbara, was attacked shortly before 9 a.m. PDT. Three beaches in Santa Barbara County were closed immediately after the attack. KEYT-TV reported that the shark bit off the surfer's leg and he bled to death.
The great white "is the likely culprit," said Steve Blair, assistant curator of the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach, Calif., and a shark expert. "There is really nothing else I could think of in a normal course of events who would do this except a great white."
Flirt N Date
10 WAYS TO TAKE A GUY PANTS OFF
* Be confident
* Give off some signals
* Ensure the setting is right
* Mentain eye contact
* Use fragrance
* Flirt
* Be honest
* get him on the dance floor
* touch him
* Tempt him
SEXUAL MYTHS
* men want sex more than women do
* if your partner cheats, he or she does not love his/partner spouse
* if a girl does not want to get pregnant, she should have sex while standing
* some women believe that if a man pulls out of the vagina before he cums, it will prevent them from becoming pregnant
* AIDS is a "gay" or homosexual disease
* the bigger the penis, the more pleasure to be derived from intercourse
* a popular name-brand carbonated soft drink can prevent women from getting pregnant after she has sex
* older couples are not interested in sexual intimacy
* comparing sexual partners in a new relationship will lead to better sex
* having sex in water [ pool, ocean, bath or shower ] will kill sperm and prevent pregnancy.
WHY WOMEN CHEAT
1. She feels negected by her man ( he's spending too much time at work or out with friends.
2. She is being physically or mentally abused by her man
3. She has to stay late at work so often that she winds up getting herself involved with a man in the office etc.
4. if she has children and her man does not help out, she might be so overwhemed that she gets tempted by a man who support her needs
5. if she has seen either of her parents being unfaithful, this might cause her to do the same
6.she knows that he guy is cheating on her, and she's doing it to get back at him
7. she is a highly sexual person and feels that her partner is not satisfying her.
8. simply put, she's a "slapper" and cannot help herself { you don't want her if she is }
2. She is being physically or mentally abused by her man
3. She has to stay late at work so often that she winds up getting herself involved with a man in the office etc.
4. if she has children and her man does not help out, she might be so overwhemed that she gets tempted by a man who support her needs
5. if she has seen either of her parents being unfaithful, this might cause her to do the same
6.she knows that he guy is cheating on her, and she's doing it to get back at him
7. she is a highly sexual person and feels that her partner is not satisfying her.
8. simply put, she's a "slapper" and cannot help herself { you don't want her if she is }
* having sex during period protects against pregnancy
* douching the vagina washes away sperm
* selected positions during sex prevents pregnancy
* a woman cannot get pregnant during breast feeding
* a woman can't get pregnant if a man pulls out in time
* no orgasm, no pregnancy
* plastic wraps or balloons are alternatives to condoms
* the pill works from the first day
* you can't get pregnant the first time
* jumping up after sex prevents pregnancy
* two condoms are better than one
Weird News
Condom Recall
Chinese authorities have shut down a condom plant, saying it was producing unsafe and tainted rubbers. What's worse is they are trying to recall two million rubbers, although they haven't explained how they're going to do that.
Chinese authorities have shut down a condom plant, saying it was producing unsafe and tainted rubbers. What's worse is they are trying to recall two million rubbers, although they haven't explained how they're going to do that.
Angelina Jolie's Tattoos: Where They Are & What They Mean
Angelina Jolie is known for a lot of thing: Movies, human rights, Brad Pitt... and body art. See all her tattoos and find out what they mean here
Poor Lady Gaga... a Yankees fan forced to sit among all those insufferab
Lady Gaga Gives Fans the Finger at a Mets Game
Completely Innapropriate: third graders should barely be beyond missionary.
While on a school field trip in London, 42 students, ranging in age from eight to nine years old, were accidently given the book, Change the World for a Fiver. “Fiver,” apparently, is British for “reverse cowgirl in the bathtub.”
Underage strip
A United States teenager is being sued after a strip club hired her as an exotic dancer.
A lawyer for the Cheetah Club in Corpus Christi, Texas, claim the 14-year-old had conned them into employing her and didn't know she was underage when she exposed her breasts - a violation of state law.
Alan Jaffe said: "She came into the club with six-inch stiletto heels and a miniskirt and looked just like a model from a Miss America contest. We're the victims here."
However, some reports have claimed the schoolgirl was kidnapped, sexually assaulted, and then given a fake ID in order to work at the strip club.
She has since returned to her family home.
Young Money Entertainment
You can view the discography and videography of Young Mula here, and also see the different logos they have used in the past below. The logo on the very left is the one Young Money are currently using, the logo in the center is their old one, and the logo on the very right is just a cool animation of their old logo.
We All Shall Be Free! (Jasiri X)
LYRICS by Jasiri X
Revolution's not an act it's an actual fact
an idea that burns until it turns blacker than black
the truth bearer new era like the back of ya hat
the true terror who'll scare ya without packing a gat
through the barrier one carrier then it spreads like malaria
bury us with no fear of oppression every tear is a weapon
When God hears it a blessin
Every tyrant is destined to die that's connected to violent aggression
if arrested remain silent when questioned the wisest lesson
Freedom's the highest expression of life in the present
that's why worldwide the riots are spreading
A righteous message like God set the fires from heaven
Uprising we done crying the young riding
when people get the power dictators go run hiding
we just trying to live like human beings
when we protest in peace police shoot up the scene
look at your computer screen you can see it right through the stream
Let our forming be a warning to every brutal regime
It's a simple math equation it's scientific OK
you put the power in the hands of the people its liberation
and even if you take it away its multiplication
repression breeds resistance and this is our situation
I'm an expert on exploitation mater of ghetto misery
a miracle of modern enslavement given our history
the fire through the wire bullets bombs and the liars
the snitches he counterinsurgency mad vicious
they kill us the freedom fighters but can't kill the revolution
they put crack in our community laughing like it's amusing
but I don't see nothing funny the crackers that's on the money
they only wanna keep us mis-educated like Sonny
They see how we never give up and wonder just how we do it
f#ck a roach we're the scarabs the beetle up out the ruins
you can hear it in our music is resilience part of our experience
you can call it the freedom experiment
you hear it but do you feel it
either join with it or fear it
but I want it in my lifetime period.
Emulator is the World’s first and only multi-touch midi controller PC software for professional DJ and music (No Need For Virtual Dj)
Emulator is the most revolutionary experience for DJ’s in the last 30 years!, is the first REAL and USABLE Multi-Touch DJ System that allows the crowd to see exactly what the DJ is doing on a huge transparent touch screen.
The art of DJ’ing is now part of the clubs lightshow, this is the next level in DJ performance!
Our Alkebulan Journey: Algeria
 |
| Originally Posted: 1/23/2008 |
Algeria is situated along the North African coast, bordered to the east by Tunisia and Libya, to the southeast by Niger, to the southwest by Mali, and to the west by Mauritania and Morocco. It is Africa’s second-largest country, with 750 miles of coastline.
Along the coastal strip are the main towns, fertile land, good food, beach resorts and 90% of the population. Further south lies the area of the Hauts Plateaux, mountains of up to 6,600 feet covered in cedar, pine and cypress
forests with broad arable plains dividing the plateau. The remaining 85% of the country is the Sahara Desert in its various forms, sustaining only 500,000 people, many of whom are nomadic tribes with goat and camel herds.
There are folks from Singapore, America and the 'moor next door' living and working in Algeria. A large country, Algeria was originally inhabited by the Berbers until the Arabs conquered North Africa in the seventh century. Staying mainly in the mountainous regions, the Berbers resisted the spreading Arab influence, managing to preserve much of their language and culture until the present day. Today, Berbers make up some 20 per cent of the total population.
Along the coastal strip are the main towns, fertile land, good food, beach resorts and 90% of the population. Further south lies the area of the Hauts Plateaux, mountains of up to 6,600 feet covered in cedar, pine and cypress
forests with broad arable plains dividing the plateau. The remaining 85% of the country is the Sahara Desert in its various forms, sustaining only 500,000 people, many of whom are nomadic tribes with goat and camel herds.There are folks from Singapore, America and the 'moor next door' living and working in Algeria. A large country, Algeria was originally inhabited by the Berbers until the Arabs conquered North Africa in the seventh century. Staying mainly in the mountainous regions, the Berbers resisted the spreading Arab influence, managing to preserve much of their language and culture until the present day. Today, Berbers make up some 20 per cent of the total population.
The history of Algeria is remarkable. Part of the Turkish Ottoman empire from the 16th century, Algeria was conquered by the French in 1830. The struggle for independence began in 1954 headed by the National Liberation Front, which came to power on independence in 1962. In the 1990s, Algerian politics was dominated by the struggle involving the military and Islamic militants.
In 1992, a general election won by an Islamic party (Islamic Salvation Front) was annulled, marking the beginning of a bloody campaign which saw the slaughter of more than 15
0,000 people. An amnesty in 1999 led many rebels to lay down their arms. Violence has largely abated, although a state of emergency remains in place. In 2001, the Government agreed to a series of demands by the minority Berber community, after months of unrest involving Berber youths pressing for greater cultural and political recognition.
Prime Minister Abdelaziz Belkhadem has been the head of government since 2006. President Abdelaziz Bouteflika has been the head of state since 1999.
Algeria Fact Sheet contains some good information such as:
In 1992, a general election won by an Islamic party (Islamic Salvation Front) was annulled, marking the beginning of a bloody campaign which saw the slaughter of more than 15
0,000 people. An amnesty in 1999 led many rebels to lay down their arms. Violence has largely abated, although a state of emergency remains in place. In 2001, the Government agreed to a series of demands by the minority Berber community, after months of unrest involving Berber youths pressing for greater cultural and political recognition.Prime Minister Abdelaziz Belkhadem has been the head of government since 2006. President Abdelaziz Bouteflika has been the head of state since 1999.
Algeria Fact Sheet contains some good information such as:- Language: Arabic & Berber, however French is used quite often as well.
- Capital City: Algiers (El Djezaïr)
- Population: 34 million
- Area: 919,595 square miles
- Currency: 1 US Dollar = 67.19560 Algerian Dinar (as of 1/22/08)
- Entry Requirements: Passports and visas are required for U.S. citizens traveling to Algeria.
Vanishing on 7th Street (2011)
Here's what amazes me: Some of the "Big" horror sites, which considered 2010's A Nightmare on Elm Street an abomination of epic proportions beyond any and all comprehension, oddly found some way to gush over this movie, which was honestly a mess from the get go. Why is that? I'm not looking to start a debate here, but it makes me wonder about a lot of things that they print.
Let me back up for a second here.
I'm a Metro Detroiter. Go ahead and make your Detroit Jokes, I get it. I can't argue with most of them. The city itself, is pretty much a joke. Still, being born there, and living in its suburbs, I have a sense of pride about the place, kinda, and it tickles me to no end to see how many movies are being made here in the area of late. SE Lower Michigan has some great locales, great culture, and a ton of untapped potential. Plus I'm here, so it's obviously an awesome place.
Add to that the fact that I love Brad Anderson's work -from The Machinist and Session 9, to most of his great TV series work- and this movie had me all sorts of giddy when I first became aware of it. Brad Anderson shooting a horror flick in my own backyard.. hells yes! No, make that fucks yes! Awesome Stuff, right?
Well, after seeing the movie, I have to say not so awesome.
While not an abomination, this movie certainly makes its fair share of missteps, and feels haphazard. Lazy even.
Basically, the story starts with Hayden Christensesn waking up to find that pretty much everyone in the city has vanished, leaving piles of clothing behind as the only sign that they had been there at all. He's safe when it's light out but once it get's dark and the light fades, shadow creatures pop up out of nowhere and turn you into another pile of clothes. Fine. Interesting premise.
John Leguizamo, Thandie Newton, and some cute little black kid pretty much round out the cast as the other survivors. They all meet up, freak out together, and fight like hell to keep a light on while they figure out what's happening. Still interesting, a ton of possibility...
We then get some flashbacks of the characters before everything "went dark." We get plenty of moments showing the light juuuust about to wink out with the shadow people closing in to make the kill, only to be foiled by a last minute light display of some sort. We get some cheesy, cliche' moments involving both dialogue, and poor decisions that seem to be there only to give the movie another chance to scare us. And we for sure get a shitty ending that resolves nothing save for the fact that we should have seen another movie.
What we don't get is any sort of resolution, strong hints towards whats going on, what caused it, what the shadow people are, why our main characters didn't die immediately like everyone else seemed to... Croatoan you say? I guess so, though it still explains nothing.
And no, I don't need to be spoon fed, and actually prefer ambiguity in movies like these, but there's so little here to chew on and digest, that drawing my own conclusion just seemed pointless. It had its moments, don't get me wrong, but there were just not enough of them.
Also, there's no 7th Street in Detroit. That's downriver a bit in Ecorse. I'm just sayin'.
Night of the Comet meets Pulse, but far less satisfying. that's pretty much the story here.
C- Not the Brad Anderson movie I'd have someone unfamiliar with the man's work start with, Vanishing on 7th Street needed to be tighter and a little bit more substantial. I'm not saying don't watch it, I'm just saying don't expect anything remotely close to the quality of Session 9 if you do.
Oh, and back to the point I opened with... politics. I blame politics.
Lakeesha Alert: Where is Phylicia Barnes?
Phylicia, who turned 17 on January 12, went missing on December 28, while visiting her college-age half-sister, 28, in Baltimore for the holidays. According to police, she had gone out at around 1:30 p.m. to grab a bite to eat and possibly get a hair cut. Authorities have stated they believe she was abducted.
Phylicia’s cell phone is off, she hasn’t used her debit card, and she has not updated her Facebook page, since her disappearance. Phylicia is an honor student at a charter school and was set to graduate a year early due to her stellar academic record.
Police focus on 12 people who were of the last to see the young beauty, but so far no one has been named a suspect or person of interest.
Reward: $10,000
Missing Since: 12/28/10
Missing From: Baltimore, MD
Classification: Endangered Missing
Age at Disappearance: 16
Height: 5’8”
Weight: 120 lbs
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Brown
Identifying marks: Tattoo of a rose on lower right leg
Clothing:
-Navy blue hooded pea coat
-Turquoise thermal shirt
-Blue jeans & white slippers/boots
-Carrying a caramel-colored purse
Lakeesha Alert: Chioma Gray Spotted in Mexico
The family doesn't believe that Chioma is dead. In fact, they think that she may be alive and living in Mexico. The family believes that the man who abducted Chioma may be getting help from his parents. [SOURCE]
Villagers recall that Chioma was last seen being hustled into a stolen car in December 2007. According to witnesses, the car was driven by Andrew Joshua Tafoya, 20, who had been released from jail the night before. Tafoya, a former football player at St. Bonaventure High School and Ventura College, had just finished serving a seven-month sentence for having unlawful sex with a minor, Chioma, who was 14 at the time.
The last trace of the two was caught on a screening camera at the Mexican border, which showed the license plate of the stolen car.
Private investigator Chuck Hookstra, a former Oxnard assistant police chief, says that he found the stolen car parked in a compound with flat tires near Acapulco, a resort city in southern Mexico.
“It looked like it’d been there for three years,” said Hookstra.He also found where the two lived. They apparently worked at a small vacation spot — he taught snorkeling, and she was a waitress. Hookstra said he talked to neighbors and uncovered information that Tafoya received help from his family.
This week, Chioma’s mother filed a federal lawsuit against Tafoya, his father and other members of his family. Hookstra found leads that suggest Chioma and Tafoya are either still in Mexico near the town of Ixtapa or perhaps in Nevada or Texas. Hookstra said there are also indications they stayed in San Antonio, with a relative of Tafoya.
This was one of the first cases of a missing young Black child that we tracked on this blog. I hope it has a happy ending. If Chioma is alive ... and voluntarily staying with Tafoya ... I hope she lets contacts her Mom.“None of the family members were forthcoming with any information,” Hookstra said in a sworn declaration. “Based on my 30-year career of law enforcement and investigation, I believe that the family members of (Tafoya) do in fact, know where (he) is and have been providing him money to assist him in concealing Chioma Gray from authorities.”
As for Tafoya? I hope he burns in hell.
Taser Lawsuit: Patrick Burns (Sangamon County, IL)
“My brother is dead, and we believe as a result of flaws that exist in the system,” Richard Burns said in an interview. “If there wasn’t a wrongful death or excessive force, then 12 people can decide that — not me, not a judge.”The lawsuit seeks damages totaling more than $75,000.
Clad in underwear, Burns was outside the woman’s home sitting in a ditch when deputies arrived. Burns, an accountant for the state, had no criminal record, but he did have a history of bipolar disorder and he had cocaine in his system.
It is obvious to any reasonable person that pumping 50,000 volts of electricity 21 times will result in their death. Sangamon County coroner Susan Boone is not a 'reasonable person' as she feels that the tasers didn't kill him.
Boone ruled that Burns, 50, died from excited delirium, but his family says that she conducted an improper investigation. They are suing the coroner in an effort to get the manner of death on Burns’ death certificate changed from “undetermined” to “accidental.”
This blog thinks that the family has a strong lawsuit. I wish that they had asked for more in damages than just $75,000. Sangamon County will end up settling this case out of court so that they don't have embarrassment of a legal loss.
Season of the Witch (2011)
SEASON OF THE WITCH
Sub-Genre- Supernatural/Witchcraft
Cast Members of Note- Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman, Stephen Graham, Claire Foy and Christopher Lee!
What's it About?- *Warning- religious joking ahead (because they're funny)* Behmen and Felsen are fierce warriors of the crusades, carving their way through the innocent and guilty alike in the name of Jebus. when they decide that killing women and kids is just too much, they renounce their quest for Jebus, and run away. I think it's all a cop out, because if you can't slaughter innocents and non believers (or touch young boys in the pants) in the name of God, who can you slaughter? Or touch. The Catholics have been doing it forever, and they grew into pretty much the biggest company of all time.
After a lame sword fight that really doesn't prove them to be fierce warriors at all, Behmen and Felsen are captured and forced to tend the weeping wounds of a plague stricken king. The two are then forced to choose between escorting an imprisoned witch to her "fair trial" or say 42,000 Hail Marys as penance for their cowardly desertion. Behmen then lets it be know, about 52 times, that he will do it, only so that the witch girl can receive a "fair trial." He is so pious.
Together with Al Capone and a priest named Ballsack, they ride around through the forest, cross a bridge, talk, fight some wolves, ride around in the forest, fight amongst each other, talk, build a leaf fort, brood, snap off some witty one liners, play tag/hide and seek with the witch, and ride around in the forest. It's all very compelling stuff. There's also something about a book. And then everything turns into The Exorcist. Kinda.
Will Behmen and Ballsack ever figure out the mystery of the witch? Will she receive the fair trial that she's been promised over, and over, and over again? Will January ever be a month that we can expect decent, let alone good movies, to be released in theaters? Yes, no and probably not. There's always February though...
The Good- If this movie were an episode of some syndicated fantasy show on the CW or Spike, it wouldn't have been so bad. It didn't make a strong movie, but works perfectly well for the Zena or Legend of the Seeker fans of the world I'm sure. I don't like those types of shows, but hey, they serve a purpose, and obviously plenty of folks love them.
Had they stuck by the original premise of the movie, you know, which involves a witch, this could have been fun. But once the dreaded and obligatory "Twist" arrives, there's no more fun in the movie. It had it's fun moments, but those were interspersed with slow, non exciting moments that either induced laughter or a roll of the eyes. Or a quick nap.
It just get's so lost in direction, and becomes so dull and pointless, that there's nothing to really care about for we the audience. I'd like to know how this movie ended up such a mess since they re-shot and re-tooled it and worked on it for so long...
Ron Perlman, who is pretty much the b-movie version of Michael Caine, is always fun to watch, even when the material is sub par. Same goes for Nicolas Cage; he's in his share of shitty movies, but they guy has a likable quality that usually sucks us in. They both deserve better material to work with that they had here though. We hope to hear more from Claire Foy as well, as she's a cutie who pulled her weight in this one, though the weight they gave her wasn't much to write home about.
And it's always great to see Christopher Lee still going at age 89. That makes us happy.
The Bad- The CGI was pretty shabby in this one. The green screen battle scenes were bad enough, but the way they went with the demon... that just ruined it all for me. It's bad enough that the story became about a demon, but to have it look and act so... cheesy... just felt like a big cop out. If you're expecting something akin to the look and feel of lets say an Army of Darkness (sans humor, of course), you're not going to get that here. Not even close.
The Downright Horrendous- What kind of movie was this supposed to be? For a minute, it was a medieval battle movie (though a poorly rendered one at that), then it became a movie about the evils of the church and religion. It was a movie about a battle hardened warrior who finally decides he has morals and refuses to kill unjustly, and then it became a movie about "Let's kill that bitch!" It jumped around so much and left so little impression on any of the themes it was trying to maintain, that in the end it really felt like it was about time to leave the theater. See what I did there? I'm clever.
The Gory- There's violence to be had here, but nothing all that good or graphic.
The Naked- No.
Best Line- Anything Ron Perlman said, because he's always just cool or anything Nic Cage said, because he's funny to watch when trying to play it straight while being way too melodramatic.
What did we learn?- January is Hollywood's dumping ground/graveyard for mediocre, embarrassing films that they have absolutely no faith in. In most cases, they're right to think that way. Also, if you aren't familiar with The Book of Enoch, then you need to check out Fulci's The Gates of Hell. It's good stuff.
The Master Says- D+ It's not hard to see why this movie was pushed back from a summer 2010 release date, to this January: it's a shoddy little mess of a flick that doesn't look or feel truly complete or coherent. We didn't hate it, though it feels like we should, but it certainly isn't a very good start to a new horror year. We love Nic Cage, love Ron Perlman, and we love good stories about witches, but this movie is really, really hard to love. Or even like. See it at your own risk if you like it cheesy and aren't much on quality.Final Thoughts- Aw, she's a cute witch.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
