The Cottage (2008)
Sub-Genre- Slasher/Comedy
In Attendance- Me
Cast Members of Note- Andy Serkis (Gollum), Doug Bradley (Pinhead), and the hot as hell Jennifer Ellison.
What's it about?- Two brothers kidnap a hot as all hell, foul mouthed British chick, and don't even so much as grab her boob while she's tied up... What's with that!?! They manage to foul everything else up too, hiding out at a secluded cottage in the English countryside which ends up being pretty bad for them...
Once the Asian gangsters show up, and piss off the local mongoloid farmer, everyone is screwed, and I mean literally, and it involves sharp farm tools. And sheep. It's fairly disturbing. Why is it that mutant people are always evil and creepy?
I won't spoil the third reel action here, but suffice it to say that perfect boobs do not mean you will survive a damn thing.
The Good- It takes about 35 minutes for The Cottage to actually turn into a Horror movie, and when it does, it actually turns out to be pretty decent. It's nothing we haven't seen before (then again, what ever is?), but it manages to entertain despite its flaws.
Jennifer Ellison and Andy Serkis steal the show here, and more accurately save it; One of them with their hot ass, the other with their tough guy portrayal. Serkis can actually act without CGI it turns out. Nice job Andy! Also, nice job on the whole looking hot while barely clothed thing, Jennifer!
I really liked the very last scene, as it was pretty creepy in its own way. I 'm not sure what they were going for with the scene after the credits though...
The Bad- English humor is a very dry thing, and in most cases, it's not really funny. The tongue in cheek atmosphere is heavy in this flick, but it's just not all that humorous.
The Downright Horrendous- As hot as she was, Jennifer Ellison's character was far too annoying to put up with.
The Gory- Severed limbs, stabbings, some cool shovel violence, bear traps!, groin violence, multiple farm implements used inappropriately... The second half of this flick delivers the goods.
The Naked- We get to see Jennifer Ellison peeing. Yay. Another colossal waste of great boobs.
Best Line- "That's for everything you've ever done." Lulz.
What did we learn?- Mouthy bitches always get what's coming to them... so mind your manners ladies! Also, don't trespass on a farmers land, especially when the farmer happens to be a mutant cannibal.
Rating- C+ Not a bad offering from the U.K., a decent overall film. Give it a rent before you buy it.
Final Thoughts- Damn she's hot.
