Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)
Sub-Genre- Vampire
In Attendance- Me, Eryn, The Vanilla Gorilla, and Laurie.
Cast Members of Note- The best actor ever, Gary Oldman, quite possibly the worst actor ever, Keanu Reeves, Sir Anthony Hopkins, and Winona Ryder.
What's it about?- Keanu Reeves travels to Transylvania to bring legal papers to a guy named Count Dracula; much to his surprise when he arrives however, he isn't greeted by Count at all, but British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, proving she's indeed hundreds of years old. And Dracula.
It turns out to be the Count after all, which may or may not prove that Thatcher was always Dracula, and he locks Keanu in the castle with three hot vampire chicks, who repeatedly rape him. Meanwhile, Count Thatcher heads to England to bang every chick that Keanu knows, including his fiance. They even get into some hot lesbo action.
Thankfully Sir Anthony Hopkins arrives, kills one of the sluts, and drives Dracula/Thatcher away. Sir Anthony then chases him to Romania where he kills three more slutty vampire chicks, which clues us in on the fact that he has anger issues towards women.
I won't ruin the ending here, but suffice it to say that Mina is a cheating whore, and she basically kills one of the men she loves.
The Good- Other than Keanu Reeves accent, what wasn't good about this movie? Coppola is a master filmmaker, and he proves it again with Dracula; I especially loved his use of shadows and tricks of the eye. Everything about the film is gorgeous and captivating. It totally deserved the 4 Oscars that it won.
Need I say anything about how great Gary Oldman is, or how perfect he was as Dracula? He was perfect. There, I said it. Anthony Hopkins was great as a crazy Van Helsing as well... In fact, the rest of the cast seemed to fit perfectly too, even Keanu (save for his dreadful accent.)
The Bad- I really do like Keanu Reeves. I think he's a pretty good actor when in the right role, and he's picked some great roles over the years... that being said, he was abysmal in this movie. His accent and line delivery were just cringe worthy...
The Downright Horrendous- It's sad that Margaret Thatcher, Prime Minister of Great Britain, was never credited for allowing Dracula to use her hair for scenes in this movie.
The Gory- We get a fair amount of blood and gore; a beheading or four, neck biting, drinking of blood, licking of blood, some staking... but it's nothing that over saturates the movie.
The Naked- We see a werewolf rape a woman, and the brides of Dracula rape Keanu Reeves... and we get so see Monica Bellucci's boobs!
Best Line- "I am the monster that breathing men would kill. I am Dracula" or "Should you leave these rooms, you will not by any chance go to sleep in any other part of the castle. It is old and has many bad memories. Be warned."
What did we learn?- Mina was a slut, jumping back and forth from man to man. Also, Dracula was a pimp.
Rating- A+ This is one of the best vampire movies of all time; It's haunting, beautiful, Oldman is dead on as Dracula... This is a must see/own for anyone who loves vampire flicks.
Final Thoughts- Hottest vampire chick ever!
