Witchboard (1986)
Sub-Genre- Ouija Board/Supernatural
In Attendance- Me, Machine, Geo, Chris, Susan, Christian (He shows up sometimes), Amanda, and Sadie (She's the dog.)
What's it about?- Not to be confused with: Witchtrap; Witchcraft 1-13; The Worst Witch; Witchbabe; Nipple of the Witch; Death Spa (a.k.a Witch Bitch); Which Witch is from Dunwich?; or an effective horror movie; Witchboard contains no witches whatsoever. It is also in no way, shape or form, bewitching (Not counting the slutty hotness of Tawny Kitaen.)
Tawny Kitaen, the Whitesnake video tramp, messes around with a Ouija board at a party one night, and manages to unleash an evil spirit on her and her party going friends. She then poses for a few album covers, sleeps with a ton of hair metal guys, and whores herself out on David Coverdale's Jaguar.
Bad acting, slow pacing and non-horror ensue. I won't give the end away here, but suffice it to say, it sucked too.
The Bad- I remember this movie scaring the hell out of me in the 80's, and I have no idea why. Break dancers with Downs Syndrome move quicker, and have more life than this movie. They're far more frightening too.
This movie isn't to the level of being totally atrocious, but it does fail miserably as a horror film. It's slow, not much happens, and there are hardly any moments of tension or fright contained within to justify sitting through it. It's just plain painful to get through.
The Downright Horrendous- Why Tawny Kitaen wasn't naked throughout the whole movie is beyond me.
The Gory- One good death scene, but pretty bare other than that.
What did we learn?- Nothing.
Rating-
Machine's Random Musings: To him, this movie was more painful than an inaccessible playground. Don't ask.
