The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Sub-Genre- Slasher/Survival/Remake
In Attendance- Me, Machine, Chris, and Christian. (Amanda and Danielle though shopping was more important than watching this with us!)
Cast Members of Note- One of the hottest chicks of all time, Jessica Biel, Jonathan Tucker, Eric Balfour, Erica Leerhsen, and the kick ass awesomeness of R. Lee Ermey.
What's it about?- Some dumb kids with a pinata full of weed pick up a hitchhiker who un-holsters her vagina-pistol, and blows her brains out. As if that isn't bad enough, when the local sheriff finally shows up, he does nothing but berate and torture them.
Eventually, they all end up captive at his creepy farmhouse, with his creepy family, and the creepiest thing of all; a monstrous mongoloid named Leatherface. They play fun little games like lose-a-limb, meat hook swing, and the ever popular "Die slowly."
Jessica Biel runs around all sweaty and hot looking, trying to find her friends and escape, but to no avail. I won't spoil what happens next, but suffice it to say that everyone has a shit day.
The Good- TCM 2003 was pretty good as far as remakes go. They changed enough to make it fresh, kept enough to make it familiar and true, and managed to pull off a bloody, disturbing and satisfying trip through hell via rural Texas.
I liked the sepia look of things, washed out and drab. I still prefer the original Leatherface, because to me he was more human and real, if that makes any sense. The new version of Leatherface was cool though, much meaner and focused. The new dynamic of the family was interesting too, adding a bit on depth that seemed like it could truly be a real backwoods family somewhere.
The Bad- How in the world do you get a revolver in your cooter? Furthermore, how do you have presence of mind to pull it out and use it... I guess "ouch" doesn't really cover it, but it seems the most fitting way to describe it other than "Fuck me."
The Downright Horrendous- Oh man... just leave him on the meat hook! Trying to get him off, then dropping him back on it even harder made me cringe.
The Gory- A wicked gun suicide, hammer blows, meat hook violence, severed limbs, blood everywhere...
The Naked- I prayed that Jessica Biel would get naked, but no such luck. Then again, the movie isn't called The Texas Chainsaw & Rape Massacre... so it makes sense. We didn't even get any nipple-through-shirt action when her white T was wet though!
Best Line- "Bring it, boy!" or "He's a bad man."
What did we learn?- Not all remakes have to suck. Also, screw picking up hitchhikers. Also, Jessica Beil apparently has no nipples.
Rating- A- If this wasn't the remake of an all-time classic horror film, people wouldn't have been so harsh on it. For what it is, it's really good, and manages to do some justice to the original. Definitely add this to your horror collection, as it's one of the best horror flicks of the 2000's.
Final Thoughts- She's so dirty that she has to sit in the sink.
