Friday the 13th (2009)
Sub-Genre- Slasher/Remake
In Attendance- Me, Machine, The Vanilla Gorilla, Eryn, Nick, Chris, and Susan; with this week's special guest, Jacob.
Cast Members of Note- Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti, Willa Ford, and Derek Mears as our new Jason! Oh, and Julianna Guill's boobs.
What's it about?- After watching his mom get beheaded, a young mongoloid boy named Jason decides he's gonna kill everyone he sees from then on out. Luckily for him, and his mongoloid rage, a bunch of dumb kids trespass on his land looking for weed, and he gets to kill them all to protect his crop. Who knew Jason was a weed farmer?!?
A few months later, another bunch of dumb kids heads to Crystal Lake to party at a cabin, and all of the stereotypical cliches are represented; the sweet girl, her dickhead boyfriend, the slut, the black guy smoking weed, another slut, the "aw shucks" blond guy, the awkward Asian guy... Oh, and don't forget the humble and "way better than her jerk boyfriend" guy that shows up looking for his missing sister (One of the chicks from the first groups of kids.)
Naturally, weed, nudity and slutty sex ensues... also, painful slaughter. Really, what else is there to summarize? Jason hates people, kills them, and they die. That was a bit redundant. Yet accurate. Does the nice guy find out what happened to his sister? Does everyone die? Can Jason ever learn to love again? I wont spoil the ending here, but suffice it to say that the Final Girl surprised me.
The Good- The 12th movie in the F13 series may be one of the the best that I've seen, and I've had a love affair with this series that dates back to the mid 80's... I'll need to see it again to be sure, but I really thought they hit the mark. All of the typical teen slasher elements were present; hot chicks, slutty chicks, hot naked slutty chicks, dumb kids partying, a pissed off killer, a ton of blood and gore, awesome kills... Good stuff.
I liked the homages paid to the other films too, especially to the earlier ones; the burlap sack, the window gag, and the wheelchair chief among them... The "Jason! It's ok!" bit was nice too.
I have to talk about a few of the actors for a second, starting with Derek Mears. His take on Jason was awesome, and should have him instantly inducted into the F13 hall of fame if you will. His Jason was pissed off, violent, quick, and even a bit brooding. He did a nice job. Danielle Panabaker won my heart (I'm easy like that) as the sweet girl, and had me feeling for her at the end.
Finally, and perhaps best of all, was Julianna Guill; I can't begin to explain how hot she is, or how perfect she looks naked, but I need more of her. I'm calling it now; best boobs in Hollywood!
The Bad- The first 15 minutes of the movie. They didn't show enough of Pamela Voorhees, and the "First" group of kids left me flat; they died in cool ways, but other than Amanda Righetti and the guy that played her boyfriend, they were annoying and I wanted them dead.
The Downright Horrendous- *Spoilers* What was with the cheating boyfriend/date thing? So while you're out helping someone in need, your friend sleeps with your boyfriend and no one says anything about it at all, including you when you basically catch them doing it? I know you have more pressing issues on your mind, like Jason, but no one so much as blinks an eye? Odd.
The Gory- They held very little back on the gore, and came up with some really cool deaths; I loved the ax scene, Chewie's death, the burning sleeping bag, the tow truck gag... There's a ton of kills/gore is to be found here, and most of it was really good.
The Naked- This movie was boob heaven, and I'm saying right now that Julianna Guill's boobs were some of the best I've ever seen! that girl looks perfect naked. Willa Ford and America Olivio are quite damned hot too. Oiled boobs, implied doggystyle (and perhaps backdoor) action, wet & naked water skiing, and full naked cowgirl sex. Excellent stuff!
Best Line- "I'm not going out there with a boner!" or "She ain't missing, she's dead. People go missing around here, they gone for good." or "You have perfect nipple placement!"
What did we learn?- Jason rules, now and always. Also, slutty chicks rule too. Also, you can't outrun a flying axe.
Rating- A- This was one of the best entries in the F13 series, and delivered on all of its promises. It'd bloody, kill-filled, chocked full of hot/naked chicks, and Jason is bad ass... Mears is my new fave. Definitely go check this out at the show, and be on the lookout for a DVD is apparently going to have another entire cut of the movie on it. Best of the year so far.
Final Thoughts- Why did they cut the hot tub scene?!? The DVD ought to have tons of extras.
