Bordello of Blood
Sub-Genre- Vampires
In Attendance- Me, Eryn, The Vanilla Gorilla, and Nick.
Cast Members of Note- Angie Everhart, Dennis Miller, Erika Eleniak, Corey Feldman, and Chris Sarandon.
What's it about?- Dennis Miller plays a guy named Rape Guttman, who is hired by a hot virgin chick to find her asshole brother. Using his skills of sarcasm and acerbic wit, he tracks him to a whorehouse which just so happens to be filled with vampire whores. there, he snarks his way in and out of trouble, and manages not to get laid.
Caught between the hot virgin, and the slutty evil vampire queen (Both of whom he'd like to aardvark), Rape does battle with an evil midget, and equally evil reverend, naked vampires, and his overindulgent use of pop culture witticisms. Also, he has a laser gun that shoots crosses. True story.
I won't spoil the ending here, but suffice it to say that it's a Tales from the Crypt movie, so you know it ends all "Dun-dun-dun!" style.... and with a cheesy outro by old Crypty himself!
The Good- On many levels, this movie just isn't good; it's cheesy, poorly scripted, predictable, formula... but it's Tales From the Crypt, so that's to be expected. What it does do well, is make you have some fun, and shut off your brain for a little while. Boobs, blood... that's about it really. Boobs and blood.
The Cryptkeeper just rules. His lame jokes, creepy face, and penchant for blood are what made Tales a great show when it was on HBO. I guess he's one of those characters that you either love or hate though.
Let's face it, the 90's kinda sucked for the horror genre. This is one of the better offerings from that decade, for better or for worse. Sad, I know.
The Bad- Like most things with the name Tales From the Crypt attached, this one is heavy on the cheese and humor. After seeing Demon Knight, which was an awesome movie, this played more like an over-long TV episode.
The Downright Horrendous- Why were neither Angie Everhart or Erika Eleniak naked in this? Neither went on to do anything but crap B-movie roles anyways, so why did they take the high road? Integrity? Epic fail on this one ladies!
The Gory- Though more of the cheesy variety, this movie has a bunch of blood and gore. Of the cheesy variety.
The Naked- This movie has naked chicks galore! I mean some on, it's about Vampire hookers...
Best Line- "You're reminding me why being married to you drove me to the brink of homosexuality." or "Sorry, Zeke - I'm just not in the mood for a blowjob."
What did we learn?- The Cryptkeeper's jokes suck. Also, never trust reverends or midgets.
Rating- C This is a fun, vampire hooker-filled romp, that will make you laugh and keep you entertained for an hour and a half. After that though, you'll pretty much be done with it. It's worth a watch.
The Vanilla Gorilla Says- The best part of this movie was the boobs.
