Killer Movie (2009)
Sub-Genre- Slasher
In Attendance- Me
Cast Members of Note- Paul Wesley, Kaley "Yum Yum" Cuoco, Leighton "My Baby Mama" Meester, Jason London, and Richard Alpert from LOST, Nestor Carbonell!
What's it about?- Britney Lohan-Hilton is a slutty, spoiled, no talent whore actress who is forced to travel to Cat-Piss North Dakota to try to revive her career. Despite wanting to beat her mercilessly with her own Prada bag, the crew of a small documentary tries to make the best of things with the Celebutard... until her cocaine runs out and things get really dicey!
To make things worse, a masked killer is running around Cat-Piss ND killing locals and crew members alike, and in some pretty nasty ways. Some of them turn out to be pretty deserving of a painful death though, especially the lesbian producer of the movie; she's really not a nice person at all, and truthfully made me punch the air every time she came on screen.
Pretty soon, the whole crew starts drinking and doing cocaine with the spoiled Celebutard, which doesn't help them survive very well. One by one they're picked off, until finally it's up to Brittney Lohan-Spears to deliver the ass kicking of a lifetime to the town of Cat Piss ND. I won't spoil the ending here, but suffice it to say that lesbian sex ensues.
The Good- This was a pretty damn good slasher flick; it's typical, and doesn't even come close to breaking any new ground, but it's smart, witty, and a good old fashioned fun time in your DVD player. I love how the smart script had just the right mix of humor and horror to make it seem fresher than most movies of its kind, especially those of late. Slashers can be fun and still work, and this movie reminds us of that.
Paul Wesley was great in the lead role; a likable and believable main guy in a horror movie, what a rarity. Besides being hot, Kaley Cuoco was dead on in her Brtiney/Lindsay/Paris impersonation role too. Truth be told, everyone did a pretty good job, and I didn't really find myself hating any of the characters, unless it was one I was supposed to hate.
The Bad- Ok, then very, very end was kinda dumb... I guess it sets up part 2 though.
The Downright Horrendous- Is it too much to ask for a fully naked, 7-22 minute lesbian scene? You know, with close ups of the slow, passionate tongue kissing... The audience (me) demands it Hollywood!
The Gory- Barbed wire decapitations, table saw violence, meat clever cleverness, chain hangings, some throat slashing... and a bear trap! I swear I've seen more horror movies lately with bear traps in them...
The Naked- Bra-and-panty hot lesbo makeout! No tits though.
Best Line- "Is that what they do for fun here in Cat-Piss North Dakota?" or " I believe she called her a cocaine fueled gutter slut" or "Oh Pheobe, you've gone from zero to Tara Reid in 60 seconds."
What did we learn?- Stay away from rural townsfolk! Also, this movie 100% proves that bitchy chicks are usually lesbians... God bless them all.
Rating- A- In the end, my head told me to rate this a B, but I can't help but follow my heart and give it the props I think it deserves. It's nothing we haven't seen before, but it's probably the best time I've had watching a new-generation slasher in a LONG time. Smart, funny, and just plain fun, definitely check this out if slasher formula flicks are your thing, and maybe even if they're not.
Final Thoughts- Kaley Cuoco is ridiculously hot. Even if you're gay, you have to admit it. Admit it!
