Last House in the Woods (2006)
Sub-Genre- Survival Horror
In Attendance- Me
Cast Members of Note- A bunch of Italian actors whom I'm not familiar with.
What's it about?- It's about a bunch of fast driving Italians, and how they ultimately learn that speed kills. It's also about a house, but that doesn't even really move, so... well, it's about both. Speed and a house that doesn't move at all. Don't question me.
Basically, a chick dumps her boyfriend, yet decides to give him one last hand job deep in the forest, and nearly gets raped by three Guido's because of it; thank god the nice (creepy) man with the gun stops and chases them off, offering to help (kill) the troubled couple, back at his home.
The lovebirds meet his family, and the creepiness begins; one has a pulsating goiter on his neck, one looks like half of a burned mongoloid marshmallow, and the little kid... the kid has sharp teeth like a friggin' mutant. Also, they want to eat the happy couple, and begin torturing and hurting them in crazy sick ways.
I wont ruin the ending here, but lemme just say that the one guys F'ing goiter explodes all over another guy... WTF?!?
The Good- This movie reminds me of the Italian Horror flicks of the late 70's/early 80's, except this one makes way more sense than most of those ever did. It's not perfect mind you, but it manages to be exploitative enough while not insulting my intelligence as a horror fan. It's a nice homage.
I just like the feel of this movie, from the music to the camera work; it makes me remember a better day where slaughtering people was more of an art form, and less of a PG-13-ish suck fest. The gore here is also reminiscent of old Italian Horror flicks, because there is a ton of it, and the filmmakers don't shy away from the violence at all. This movie is rough and visceral, and gore fans should love it.
The Bad- Yet another movie that makes me terrified to travel to Europe. Seriously, is Swiss Horror next? France, England, Italy... they're ruined for me!
The Downright Horrendous- Why is a kid eating a human leg? And what's with those teeth?!? And what's with that goiter on the other dudes neck... and why is it exploding in a storm of pus on some guys face?!?!? What in the hell is going on here?!?
The Gory- Yep, this movie is filled with some nasty gore. Damn. Lots of it.
The Naked- Nope, although we get to see some undies... ugh!
Best Line- "Vaffanculo!" or " Vaffanculo botana!" You get the point I'm sure.
What did we learn?- People in Italy drive like assholes. Also, who knew that rapists had potential to be helpful?
Rating- B- This is a solid above average genre film, that despite it's flaws, I wish they would make more of. Bloody, nasty, and oddly reminiscent, this one is definitely worth picking up.
Final Thoughts- Hey, this is one of our side-panel pics!
