BACKWOODS
Sub-Genre- Backwoods Horror
In Attendance- Me
Cast Members of Note- Haylie Duff, Ryan Merriman, Danny Nucci, and a bunch of other people I don't know.
What's it About?- A group of stereotypical yuppie-larva, computer geeks head into the woods for a team building retreat, and of course, since they're so absolutely clueless, they act stupid in every possible way that they can to upset the locals. With their dumbest move of all, they take the advice of "Jasper", the "ain't right in the brain" barkeep at the gas station, and head to some more "out of the way" camping grounds.
After a fun, crazy, slo-mo swimmin' hole scene, the Young Republicans have a drunken bonfire and make camp for the night... they need to save their energy for the big paintball game in the morning! They also need to save their energy to fend off the rape inclined murderous hillbilly's that want to rape and murder them; and not necessarily in that order.
Needless to say, ignoring dead animals hanging from trees, random booby traps, a trashed campsite, and snooping around in someones home gets them in a world of trouble. Can they fight off the large family of "Deliverance Folk" with only paintball guns? Will it all end like Ruby Ridge did? Will Haylie Duff ever unleash those sweater puppies for us all to see? I'm guessing no on that last one.
The Good- I was actually impressed by the way they handled the whole hillbilly horror thing; instead of a bunch of deformed inbred mouth-breathers, the clan was a well organized, intelligent religious cult who just hated the government. I also liked how the victims actually got to fight back instead of all dying off one by one, as they do in so many of these movies; Backwoods was unconventional in that aspect.
This movie is fairly generic, and it's plot is certainly reminiscent of plenty o' other horror flicks (Wrong Turn) for example, but it manages to be decent despite that. The cast is pretty decent too, and managed to have me actually rooting for them.
The Bad- Token black guy; check. Token Asian guy; check. Token sweet, white final girl; check. Token mousy, mopey, white, "nice guy"; check. Token inbred country folk; check. Token slutty blond chick; check. Token "Bring it!" type jerk that you can't wait to see die; check. Lame, by-the-numbers script... oh, you get the point.
The Downright Horrendous- Why no boobs? Seriously, WHY NO BOOBS!?! I know there's more to life than T&A, but tell that to my testosterone.
The Gory- The gore in this one was kinda tame, but the violence was plenty; it was more like watching an action movie than a horror flick in terms of bloodletting, if that makes sense.
The Naked- No nudity, but we do get a bunch of tight shirts and cleavage which is still pretty nice.
Best Line- "This is your home now" or "Call me boy without that redneck gun in your hand!"
What did we learn?- Haylie Duff has nice boobs. Also, white guys should never say "for shizzle." Ever.
Rating- C (6.0/10) An average time waster, Backwoods is worth a look if you like the whole "stuck in the woods with murderous mountain folk" type of thing. Don't expect too much, and you may just enjoy this flick.
Final Thoughts- My second favorite Duff Sister.
