Train (2009)

"The movie that was originally supposed to be the Terror Train (1980) remake..."

HOSTEL 3 TRAIN
Sub-Genre- Torture Porn

In Attendance- Me

Cast Members of Note- Thora Birch, Gideon Emery, Gloria Votsis.

What's it About?- Hostel 3 Train starts off with a dead body being sliced up and skinned either on a train, or near a train. Maybe in a train yard. Either way, there was a train involved somehow. The point of the whole thing is that the train is scary and full of people that will do scary things to you if you decide to hop on board and go for a ride.

I've never seen a girl look so dirty, and yet so clean.
Of course, a bunch of American college students are lured aboard said hostel train by by some Ukranian whore, and everything quickly goes to hell. It doesn't help that they're all wrestlers either, because you cant wrestle so good with no skin. Or feet. Or eyes for that matter. The story doesn't matter, just enjoy the violence.

EYE wonder what's going to happen next. (lol)
Our pillow chested final girl (Thora) gets put through the wringer aboard the hostel train, being chased around by sweaty Croatian maniacs, nearly being raped, watching her friends be tortured and killed, watching her girlfriend be carried off to a military rape camp... one has to wonder will she ever be able to wrestle again?

Oh, she'll wrestle again alright... she'll wrestle.
The Good- This was a flawed movie to say the least, but I found myself enjoying it more and more as it went on. It's dangerously close to being a blatant ripoff of Hostel, and that's really odd to me; this movie was originally supposed to be a remake of the 1980 pseudo-classic Terror Train (see review below), and here it is ripping off another modern day "pseudo-classic."

I think the real clincher here for me was the third act, and how Thora Birch just kicked its ass. I miss her in movies, as she's a heck of an actress. Also, she may have the best boobs ever. Those two qualities are more than enough reason to want to see her in more movies.

The Bad- Why not just jump from the friggin train!

The Downright Horrendous- Rape, implied rape, attempted rape... how much non-consensual intercourse does one torture porn movie need?

The Gory- Not even two minutes in someone is cut open and skinned... this movie is PLENTY brutal and should satisfy most gorehounds out there looking for a crimson fix.

He never SAW it coming. (Lulz)
The Naked- Thora Birch in a soapy bathtub, the other chick in the shower, an orgy scene, golden showers... we get all kinds of kinky stuff.

Best Line- "We're not going to die. We're going home."

What did we learn?- Traveling in Eastern Europe always ends in torture/death, especially for Americans. Also, don't mess with female wrestlers.

Go ahead, AX her why she' so angry! (See what I did there?)

Rating- C+ (6.5/10) Annoying at first, better in the middle, and pretty cool by the end, Train is basically a guilty horror pleasure for me. If you like gore and blood, or even Thora Birch's boobs, it just might end up being one for you too. Check it out when you get the chance, just don't forget your grain of salt though...

Final Thoughts- Nice eyes, Thora.