Terror Train
Sub-Genre- Slasher
In Attendance- Me, Machine, and Chris... everyone else left!
Cast Members of Note- Jamie Lee Curtis, Ben Johnson, Hart Bochner, and the insane casting of Vanity and David Copperfield?!?
What's it About?- When a group of college a-holes get Jamie Lee Curtis to lure a shy tranny pledge upstairs on the promise of sex, he freaks out and gets all twisted up in some drapes (really.) If he didn't want to sleep with her, he should have just politely said "No thank you, Miss", and went along his merry-little-tranny way. Instead, he freaks out, goes insane, and ends up being committed... What?
Three years later, the same group of a-holes are just about to graduate, so naturally they decide to celebrate by having a costume party aboard a train... a terror train! Yeah, I don't get it either. The biggest accomplishment of my life, and I'm going to jump on a train where the big draw is watching some half-assed magician make coins disappear? That's my reward?
One by one they a-holes that pulled the prank on poor Kenny Hampson (the tranny) start getting bumped off, by a chameleon-like killer that changes costume to mimic whomever he just killed. Clever. Will anyone escape the terror train alive? Will anyone notice that the magician's assistant has an Adam's Apple? Does anybody really care?
The Good- This is a decent little slice of early 80's slasher horror, but in the end it's a bit too underwhelming to be considered great. It's fairly slow, cheesy, and we don't get to see half of the kills happen on screen, but it has a neat atmosphere about it and is still a mostly fun ride.
Also, the cage scene is definitely a classic horror moment.
The Bad- Did no one on the train notice the tranny right before their eyes? Or that Kenny kinda looked like a wispy little chick before "The incident?"
The Downright Horrendous- Was David Copperfield's presence in this movie really necessary? You didn't see Doug Henning's ass in Prom Night, or Waylon Flowers and Madame play an integral role in Happy Birthday to Me... he is nothing more than a cheesy wizard!
The Gory- Most of the kills in this one are quick cut or implied, but we do get some decent gore after all is said and done.
The Naked- We get a little bit of 80's style boobage, but nothing much. What a shame considering that Vanity and Jamie Lee are both in this.
Best Line- "Kiss me, Kenny."
What did we learn?- Never piss off the transgendered. Also, Magicians are kinda lame.
Rating- C- (5.5/10) This was an average 80's horror flick that could have been great if they had shown us the kills and made the ones we did see actually worth seeing. Still, it's a fun trip down slasher memory lane, just don't expect all that much and you might be satisfied.
Final Thoughts- Seriously?
