DEMONS 1985 (DEMONI)
Sub-Genre- Supernatural
In Attendance- Me, Eryn, The Vanilla Gorilla, Nick, and Cherrie.
Cast Members of Note- Nicoletta Elmi all grown up, Natasha Hovey, Karl Zinny, Bobby Rhodes!, and a bunch of crazy Italian over-actors. Directed by Lamberto Bava and produced by the man called Argento!
What's it About?- An evil movie and some crazy evil mask turn a theater into a breeding ground for zombie-like demons, trapping theatergoers inside and forcing them to fight for their very lives! Maybe next time, they shouldn't trust the "rapey looking" guy handing out free passes in the subway.
When a ho scratches her face on a shiny mask that is randomly hanging in a movie theater lobby, all hell literally breaks loose in the form of a demon onslaught. This is the point in the movie that I expected the pimp to lay a smack down on her for "coming out of pocket" but no, he decided not to keep his pimp hand strong. Thanks for not acting, and thereby dooming the world, you punk ass sugar pimp!
Once the onslaught begins, it's up to a boring girl and her man Guiseppe to save the day. They run around popping wheelies on bikes, and kicking demon ass. Really, that's pretty much the plot... but will it be enough? Judging from the look on the demon-pimps face coming up those stairs, methinks not.
The Good- This movie is some crazy, nonsensical, demon/zombie fun. In many ways, Demons is what made 80's horror so damned satisfying; it didn't get too deep or bother making a whole lot of sense, but it was awesome to watch and always managed to give me nightmares.
Everything from the nasty gore to Bobby Rhodes as an awesome Italian Pimp just works, and if you can forgive its shortcomings, and look past the normal misgivings of most Italian horror flicks, then you will learn to love it as many have.
I forgot that the creepy usher chick was no other than Nicoletta Elmi; for those of you drawing a blank like I did, she was the little girl who got her head blown off in Lucio Fulci's The Beyond. That little ginger kid grew up mighty hot, and managed to stay just as creepy.
The Bad- Did no one see the sword? It was right there the whole damn time, why didn't someone grab it and use it at some point before the last 10 minutes of the movie? You could have saved, oh I don't know, everybody's lives!
The Downright Horrendous- Ripper? Baby Pig? Hot Dog? What kind of d-bags have nicknames like that? The kind of people that sniff cocaine out of a coke can, that's who.
The Gory- This movie is filled with all kinds of Italian-Horror goodness, which means plenty of blood and nasty gore. Can you expect anything less from the combo of Bava/Argento?
The Naked- I'm disappointed to say that in a movie full of pimps and ho's, there was no nudity.
Best Line- "They will make cemeteries their cathedrals and the cities will be your tombs."
What did we learn?- Demons in Italy are very much like zombies. Also, never trust a ho.
Rating- B (8.0/10) This is a classic slice of 80's Italian horror kitsch that you must see. Sure it's silly and nonsensical, but it's a hell of an enjoyable ride, and fun is good sometimes too. Turn your brain off for a while and check it out.The Vanilla Gorilla Says- The VG says pimpin' is in fact quite easy. He also thinks the sword should have been utilized much earlier, but digresses because it would have made the movie much less fun if it had.
DEMONS 2
Sub-Genre- Supernatural
In Attendance- Me, Eryn, The Vanilla Gorilla, Nick, and Cherrie.
Cast Members of Note- Asia Argento! No more needs to be said here...
What's it About?- In a continuation (?) of the first movie, Demons 2 picks up in an apartment building where the tenants are watching the demon movie on TV now instead of in some creepy old theater. I'm not sure how the movie made it to TV seeing as how it killed so many people with demons before, but maybe it's best not to ask questions.
Sally is a neurotic bitch whose friends are throwing her a birthday party, though she stays in her room and sulks the whole time. What a Debbie-Downer! She's also one of the first people in the building to "Demonize", and she's even more of a downer when she becomes one of the unholy.
From this point on the movie gets a little bit jumbled, with a demon rat-thing crawling out of some kids butt and flying around while crying, a bunch of people running up and down stairs with no idea of where they're going, and a "driving around the 12ft. wide garage" scene that just left us baffled.
The Good- The redeeming part of this movie was that it was insanely over the top with it's story line, and was way fun to watch. It made far less sense than the first one, but made us laugh more at the same time. The spider wall crawl, the flying demon baby, Demon-Sally dancing (seriously), another gang of retarded thugs speeding in a car, the oiled up muscle men and leotard wearing Pat Benetar clones fighting off demons... good stuff.
The Bad- A horror movie isn't supposed to make me laugh this much... unintentionally!
The Downright Horrendous- Whoever told the people in this movie that plants were good weapons to use against demons, lied to them.
The Gory- Crazy gore in this one, and by crazy I mean crazy fun!
The Naked- Again, nothing! (See note below.)
Best Line- "Grawr!" The cry of every single demon in this movie.
What did we learn?- Demons can be neurotic messes too. Also, Asia Argento went from a cutesy kid to being a really hot adult rather flawlessly.
Rating- C (5.5/10) Not as good as the first one, Demons 2 is so crazy that it makes for a fun filled watch if nothing else. Not a must see, but worth it if you're craving some cheesy 80's horror fun.
The Vanilla Gorilla Says- He respects Asia Argento as an actress.
