Valentine (2001)
Sub-Genre- Teen Terror/Slasher
In Attendance- Me, Geo, Chris, Christian and Machine.
Cast Members of Note- The yummy Denise Richards, The yummy (X2) Marley Shelton, Katherine Heigl's boobs, and the guy who played Angel.
What's it about?- A long time ago at the school dance, the poor ugly geek of the school asked the pretty girls to dance with him. Of course they all laughed at him, because ugly guys don't really count, and he had to resort to making out with the fat chick of the class. The hungry ones are always easy pickings, even for greasy geeks.
When the popular kids catch geek boy and hungry girl making out, she cries rape, and they proceed to strip and beat geek boy unmercifully. It was a sort of quasi gay-geek bashing thing, which really, makes you realize that fat chicks cant be trusted.
Years later, all of the kids are grown up and still assholes, even the fatty (who is now mostly cute.) Of course their all still friends, because it moves the plot along far easier that way. When they start to disappear and show up dead, they all start to worry. "OMG, who is killing us! And like, why and stuff!" Yep, turns out the world is a better place without them anyhow.
I wont say anymore so as not to ruin the end of the movie (also, because I don't want to talk about it anymore), but suffice it to say that you're in for a shock!
Not really though.
The Good- So this one is an average stalk and slash movie, packed with hot chicks, some good kill scenes, and not much else. I'm all for some mindless horror, but this is basically the same movie that's been recycled 1000 times since 1980:
Someone was wronged/humiliated/mutilated/killed in the past... years later all of the people who wronged/humiliated/mutilated/killed said victim are all still in contact with one another... The victim, now a revenge seeking maniac, returns to even the score... The "Bad" people are all shallow, pathetic, no one-will-miss-them type yuppies... One by one, the "Bad" people are picked off, oblivious to what's truly happening until the third reel of the film starts... Then, the final girl is left to face the killer, and the "Shocking" reveal happens... Then the final twist/shock/jump/ oh-my-god moment happens, and the credits roll.
Again, this type of flick serves its purpose, I just wish it would have offered a little bit more in the way of originality is all.
The Bad- Too many Hotties, not enough nakedness. Also, haven't I seen this movie before? And wasn't it done better?
The Downright Horrendous- What was with "Jason"? Do guys actually think that talking about yourself in the third person is manly or attractive? Loser.
The Gory- This movie did have some good kills in it, although nothing overly spectacular.
The Naked- A lot of teasing, but not much skin. With all of the hotness on display in this movie, couldn't at least one of them have gotten naked?!?
Best Line- "Wax it!" or "Roses are red, Violets are Blue, They'll need dental records to identify you." Aww, how sweet.
What did we learn?- Hot chicks need to be punished. Also, speaking in the third person is really annoying. Also, don't pick on the loser kids in school, because they will eventually kill you.
Rating- C- A fairly typical, yet mostly decent teen slasher; it's far from perfect, but it's not horrible either. Catch it on cable, or give it a rent rather than buy it.
Final Thoughts- Damn, she's special...
