Jennifer Connelly, or "JC" as she has asked me to call her in my dreams, is the hottest woman on earth who has ever had a vagina. If you don't believe me, just ask me, I'll tell you. In fact, I just did. See what I did there?
Sure, she may have only starred in 2 "Horror" movies over the span of her career, and one of them really "sucked", but I mean look at her:
Her first ever starring role was in the 1985 Dario Argento Classic Phenomena (a.k.a. Creepers); a sweet little coming of age tale about a girl attending school in Switzerland, who uses her psychic link with insects to hunt down a Giallo style serial killer that is beheading her classmates. Throw in Donald Pleasance and an insane chimp, and a great time is had by all. Since I was 15 when this movie came out, I'm allowed to say that JC was mad hot in this one. Why she stayed away from horror, I can't say... Maybe she actually wanted a career.
Then, she moved on to this:
Now, I'm not saying I made love to myself countless times while watching this one, but I did. It's not like Career Opportunities made things any better either; I'm lucky I never broke my junk over either of them.
Then came the movie that everyone overlooks Phenomena for, Labyrinth. It was almost a horror movie, as it was originally called "Attack of the Rape Goblin", but they changed the title to make it more kid friendly. They played it soooo safe in the 80's!
She either played a babysitter or a single mother whose baby is kidnapped by David Bowie, forcing her to seek the help of the Muppets to help her steal it back and kill David Bowie. It was a good movie, although I was upset that the sex scenes were all cut from the film (even though I was still able to act them all out with stuffed animals in my room).
JC shed her innocent image after that movie, and got kind of slutty. She started smoking, having sex, and showing her boobs in every movie she could. It only served to make my love for her grow.
It wasn't all rainbows and unicorns though; her worst moment on film came when she had sex with Sonny Crockett in the movie The Hot Spot. What was she thinking?
She went on to win an Academy Award playing the girlfriend of some retarded guy or something like that, and then tried to get all highbrow on us; no horror, no random boobs, no slutty fap material... but she did star in some good movies like Inventing the Abbott's, Mullholland Falls and Requiem for a Dream. The Hulk can blow me though.
Finally she returned to horror in 2005's Dark Water. Ugh. She was great as usual, but the movie was another sad J-Horror remake, which epically failed. Let's move on.
She went on to make a few more movies until someone eventually killed her, but being the Horror Hottie that she is, she rose from the dead to live on a sexy zombie. True story. Some say it was my love for her that wouldn't let her die; some say it was only a scene in a movie. I know the truth though. I think we all do.
JC has cemented her name in the hearts of horror fans everywhere with one little Giallo flick in the 80's, and for that she deserves the moniker of Horror Hottie. Besides, she's a doppleganger, and that makes her a monster of sorts. Don't believe me? Feel free to explain to me then how I saw 4 of her, at one time, swimming in a private lake that I have since named "Sexual Fantasy Lake." I even have proof:
Tales of the Unexpected (1982)
Phenomena (1985)
Dark Water (2005)
