One-Eyed Monster (a.k.a. Ron Jeremy's Cock kills People)
Sub-Genre- Horror-comedy/Killer Penis
In Attendance- Me
Cast Members of Note- Ron Jeremy, Ron Jeremy's penis, Amber Benson, Charles Napier and Veronica Hart.
What's it about?- Ron Jeremy's dick has been terrorizing the porn world for over four decades now, and finally we have proof that it can kill. The crew of a porn shoot heads into the deep woods to make their movie "Animatronic Donkey Blues", full of energy and ready to tap little Johnny behind the ear all weekend.
A celestial event sends a shooting star blazing towards earth, and naturally it takes aim at Ron Jeremy's penis; where else would you want to strike if you were a shooting star, other than maybe Bea Arthur's vagina? (Oddly enough, I wrote the Bea Arthur bit before I heard of her death today. R.I.P. Bea, thank you for being a friend.)
The now "possessed" RJ heads inside to do his scene, and nearly screws Veronica Hart to death; luckily the guys rig up a super 'pon made from 6-8 smaller tampons, and save her from bleeding to death. The can't save poor RJ though, as his penis rips free from his droopy body and decides to go on a rape/murder spree.
From this point forward it's the unsuspecting porn crew against an intergalactic-mutant version of Ron Jeremy's joint; and something other than the shit hits the fan. I won't spoil what happens next here, but suffice it to say that they don't call it a trap for nothing.
The Good- I absolutely laughed my ass off during this movie, and wasn't at all embarrassed that I did. It's got such a cheesy premise, and stars such b-list talent, that I was expecting another cringe inducing pile of dung, but I was very pleasantly surprised.
Just imagine John Carpenter's The Thing, but with an alien cock, and that's basically what you get here. The great part about this movie is that it doesn't take itself seriously at all, but they play it serious. If you've seen 2006's horror comedy gem Black Sheep, then you'll have an idea of what this movie is like.
I've got to take a minute to talk about Ron Jeremy: He can't act for shit, but he has a really endearing human quality about him that really makes me like him. The MEGA-HUGE porn icon has wanted to be successful in legitimate film for a long time, but he just doesn't have the chops. Still, movies like this make me cheer for him and his dream.
The Bad- Ladies of the world, please let me talk to you for a minute about penis; It's dangerous, and can potentially kill you. And while we love porn, and the fact that you're enough of a whore to make it and document the ordeal on video for us, the fact of the matter is that penis kills. Is it worth your life? I hope this movie will really make you think.
The Downright Horrendous- Ron Jeremy has had sex with more women than every other man alive... put together! It's a wonder his wang hasn't turned on him before this.
The Gory- There's some gore and blood in this, but there's also a lot of... um... well... sperm too. Either way, it gets messy.
The Naked- It's a movie about a killer dick on a porn shoot, you would think it would have had more in the way of T&A, but not so much. We did get some nakedness, but it was mostly Ron Jeremy's sweaty man-boobs.
Best Line- I could list them all day as this movie was full of great lines:
"With the added weight and the back pains, all I can do is kiss the tip."
"We're gonna need a bigger tampon."
"I know you dug him, but that's his dick out there and it's a mass murderer!"
"Wanna know what hell sounds like? I think it sounds like 30 men getting massacred by a dick!"
Director- "Ok Ron, take off your sweater."
RJ- "I'm not wearing a sweater."
What did we learn?- Lidocaine... who knew? Also, "Suzy Chang's Crab Roll" is an actual film. Again, who knew?
Rating- B+ (8.5/10) This movie is funny as hell, and works perfectly as a horror-comedy. Just like Black Sheep, Shaun of the Dead, My Name is Bruce or Slither, it's played almost totally for laughs while fitting neatly into the horror framework. Don't expect perfection, and I think you'll really enjoy this one.
Final Thoughts- Lulz.
