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The Boogeyman (1981)
Sub-Genre- Supernatural Stalker
In Attendance- Me, Eryn, The Vanilla Gorilla and Nick (although he ran off not far into the movie.)
Cast Members of Note- John Carradine. (This was not his career high point.)
What's it about?- A little boy that is tired of his mothers incessant whoring around (Including tieing him to the bed so that she can scrump), stabs her nylon-faced lover to death while she's scrumping him. His sister only watched, so she's the pure one I guess.
Well, Junior grows up to be a mute creep, strangling his sisters friends and painting mirrors black, but everyone seems to think he's just "quiet." Like any of us would do, the sister returns to her childhood home to face her fears, and break things that don't belong to her in the process. She breaks the mirror which has been in the house since that fateful night, and still contains the ghost of the guy her brother killed.
Terrifying.Luckily, her moron husband decides to take it home, and the vengeful spirit follows them and starts killing random people... really, no more needs to be said. I mean, when a shard of glass stuck to a kids foot casts that "sun filled mirror reflection thing" across and entire lake, thusly killing the campers that were "Shined upon", I just want things to be over.
The Good- This isn't the worst horror movie ever, but it certainly isn't good. There are some decent kills, but the movie as a whole is a big mess. Ulli Lommel isn't much of a director; in fact he's a bit of an old school Uwe Boll and it shows. I dont have much good to say, so I guess this section is done.
The Bad- It spawned 2 sequels. I'm not so happy about that.
Director's Cut means use footage from part one for half of part 2!. Ugh.The Downright Horrendous- The retarded little brother screaming "Boogeyman!" every chance he got. Special thanks to the window for snapping his neck.
The Gory- Some decent kill scenes such as Scissors to throat, a double mouth impaling, pitchfork violence, and a nice scene with a kid stabbing a guy to death...
The Naked- Nothing more than a quick flash of boob... although there were some suggestive scenes.
Best Line- "Thank god it's fucking over!" Wait, that was me who said that...
What did we learn?- The 80's took its fair share of cinematic shits, especially in the horror genre.
Rating- D Watch it if it's on TV or something, but don't expect much.
Final Thoughts- Poor John Carradine.
My thoughts exactly.
Vampires
Sub-Genre- Vampire
In Attendance- Me, Geo, Machine, Chris and Christian.
Cast Members of Note- The one and only James Woods! Also, Daniel Baldwin, The bad guy from Karate Kid 3, and Laura Palmer from Twin Peaks.
What's it about?- Basically its the story of a vampire hunter, James Woods, who hunts down a master vampire, they guy who betrayed Daniel-San in The Karate Kid 3, because he killed all of his whores. And friends too. It's the Daniel-San thing that hurts him most of all though.
"Boy will James Woods be pissed about this!"Our hero, along with the least cool Baldwin brother set out to find the bloodsucker with a hottie/half vamp in tow. If they can kill him before she fully turns, they can save her life and the Baldwin can do it with her all he wants to without fear of being eaten.
I'd take her with me too.From here on out, the mayhem and carnage kick into full gear, and by the end, only two people are still "Alive."
The Good- This movie sure has taken it's share of crap from critics (most of whom have no pulse to begin with), and for the life of me I cant figure out why. Sure, it's not a cinematic masterpiece, but then again it isn't supposed to be. It's a horror movie, and one of the fun variety. It certainly doesn't hearken back to the early 80's Carpenter films and their grandeur, but neither does it shit on them.
What we have here is a fun, bloody vampire movie that gives us an interesting premise and James Woods as the bad ass undead-slayer. How can you not love James Woods in all of his "Woodsness" bitch slapping a bunch of vampires around?
So are we Peter. So are we.
The Bad- I wish it could have followed the book a bit more.
The Downright Horrendous- The Catholic Church once again proves that it harbors dark secrets and evil plots. Also, priests that rape.
The Gory- Vampires killing people, people killing vampires... Blood and violence are everywhere!
Now that's a party!
The Naked- Not only do we get a motel party full of loose women in various states of undress, but we get the yummy Sheryl Lee pretty much fully naked. Neat.
Yeah, me too.
Best Line- "I killed my own father, padre. I got no trouble killing you." or "Well first of all, they're not romantic. Its not like they're a bunch of fuckin' fags hoppin' around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents, all right?"
What did we learn?- The Vatican knows vampires are real! They have a team lead by James Woods that hunts and kills them.
Rating- B+ This movie isn't perfect, but it's a fun time and a sight better than most crap vampire movies you'll come across. You should own it, or at very least rent it.
Final Thoughts- Sheryl Lee is just hot.
Videodrome
Sub-Genre- Cronenberg
In Attendance- Me, Geo, Machine, Chris, and Christian.
Cast Members of Note- James Woods and Debbie Harry (a.k.a. Blondie)
What's it about?- Max Renn is a sleazy perv who runs a porn channel, so naturally, he goes in search of snuff, because that's what porn makes you do right? I mean, watching sex definitely turns 99% of humans into horrible monsters who crave death and violence. It's science. Ask the Catholic Church, they'll tell you. Wait... not science then... sin? Whatever.
He receives a tape called Videodrome, which must be laced with acid, and begins to hallucinate the craziest things; clowns on trampolines riding tricycles; midgets spinning plates; Debby Harry naked... He even grows a stomach vagina, which turns out to be real. He can hide things in it, and even decapitate nerds with it... neat.
You thought I was lying, didn't you? Ha!He starts dressing up as Lazer-Man and basically becomes an assassin of the new flesh. TV is his enemy, and he's out to stop anyone that he can from watching it. This of course involves having kinky sex with Blondie, and being whacked out of his mind on "drugs" the whole time, but who am I to judge? The guy really gets some things accomplished, so go for it man.
Lazer-Man rules!I wont ruin the ending here, but suffice it to say that it ends badly for everyone involved.
The Good- Movies like this really make me miss the 80's. Horror these days is all about quick cuts and jump scares; neat endings that resolve/explain everything(while managing to set you up for the sequel); crisp visuals and utter lack of any terrifying atmosphere... Gone (mostly) are mood and pacing, letting some things remain unanswered, or god forbid making you use your mind to figure them out for yourselves. Horror movies of today, often times, don't have what it takes to fuck you up enough to remember them ten minutes after seeing them, let alone sticking with you for a longer period of time.
Cronenberg always delivers on those fronts though. He grabs you, strokes your hair, relaxes you, and it's far too late by the time you notice the pipe bomb that he's shoved up your ass... and then boom. You feel a mess and aren't sure what just hit you, but you know you are different somehow. And Dirty.
He is the master of "Body Horror"- your body failing you/rebelling against you- and it's terrifying on a deeper level than most hack and slash movies ever could be. He still makes great movies, though not horror, and I cant complain one bit about films like Eastern Promises or A History of Violence, I just wish he'd make a horror movie now and then. He's so damn good at it.
You really do need to see this if you haven't. If not, you're missing out.
The Bad- James Woods is very self-destructive.
The Downright Horrendous- Why does Cronenberg insist on making me afraid of my own body? I feel like every woman Ive ever dated after watching his films; Confused, afraid and often times repulsed... yet I keep coming back for more... Hmmm.
The Gory- James Woods has a stomach vagina that hides things and eats hands; a flesh gun turns someone into a mess of tumors; a TV spills its guts... there's some good gore here.
Good Stuff.
The Naked- Debbie Harry and James Woods both get naked.... including Blondie using her boobs as an ashtray. Yum. Also, a naked chick gets flogged.
Best Line- "Long live the new flesh." or "Careful... it bites."
What did we learn?- Debbie Harry is a bit of a slut. Also, TV is bad for you.
Rating- A This is another Cronenberg masterpiece; the guy just knows how to get in your head and make you feel VERY uneasy about everything. Own it.
Final Thoughts- Even Viggo Loves Cronenberg.
Kiss me you creepy fuck...
