The Oregonian (2012)

This is simply one of the worst movies I have ever seen. And before you wonder if the qualifier "worst ever" is deserved, let me tell you that I've endured some horrendous movies; Ice From the Sun, Jesus Christ: Serial Rapist, The Apple... Hell, long before there was a THC, we were a collective of fools who relished getting together and watching bad movies. For fun.

We used to buy each other bad movies for Birthdays and Christmas, trying to out do each others level of awful. We tried to find the worst movies ever -and I mean painfully bad movies, not something like Gigli with is amateur hour as bad movies go- with the intention of pissing teach other off. We'd get together once a week and watch 2 or 3 bad movies; sometimes we laughed, sometimes people got slapped... honestly slapped.

The Oregonian is a movie that would have definitely earned a slap or two back in our bad movie days. It's a tough one to endure.

Here's the plot: A girl gets into a car accident, wanders around in a daze and encounters odd people. That's the entire lot and point of the movie. We're treated to a ton of shaky cam; loud, jarring music and noises; characters that appear and do nothing aside from smile for minutes on end;

We're convinced that Calvin Reeder made this movie for the sole purpose of annoying and even angering his potential audience. Nothing else can even begin to explain why this messy, contrived, awful movie even exists... unless he and everyone involved were on acid and meth and said "Dude, let's make a movie!" That would actually explain a lot.

This movie isn't deep and creatively bold as some "smart fans" of the internet would have you believe;
on the contrary, 73 users on IMDB have given The Oregonian a crazy good score of 7.3, which is absolute proof that those numbers are skewed. The only decent thing about the movie is True Blood's Lindsay Pulsipher, who for some reason has appeared in multiple projects directed by Reeder. Not even her cuteness saves this movie, the highlights of which involve a guy pissing a rainbow, sharing recipes for omelettes, people vomiting what looks like black blueberry pie filling, and someone in a frog costume standing around with a lazy eye, jerking off inside the suit whenever the mood strikes them.

How this movie made it into Sundance is a mystery of epic proportions. A little google research on our part and we found that many people left the movie mid play, to escape the screeching noises and the atrocious everything else. If it's that easy to get a film into Sundance, be on the lookout next year for our entry entitled "The Detroiter"; it's the story of a white guy who wakes up in the middle of Detroit and tries to find his way back home while stopping every so often to masturbate with bacon and scream the lyrics to Bon Jovi songs, before the midget mimes catch him and make him drink their "Blue Milk."It's going to be deep.

The Master Says- We feel bad for all of lat years "worst of" movies that we hated on, because none of them were this bad. They sucked, but at least they tried to make some sense and just failed. The Oregonian is a bunch of odd visuals, painful noises, and horrible camera work/editing, slapped together for the sake of being slapped together. 2012 is going to have to work hard to give us a movie worse than this. Watch at your own risk.

Final Thoughts- At least Lindsay Pulsipher is cute.